« On connaît tous l’histoire de l’innocente, pure et douce jeune fille prisonnière du corps d’un cygne. Elle attend d’être délivrée. Seul le véritable amour brisera le sortilège. L’amour apparaît sous les traits d’un prince. Mais, alors qu’il allait lui déclarer sa flamme… le double pervers, le Cygne Noir, le séduit par ses artifices envoûtants. Désespéré, le Cygne Blanc saute d’une falaise et meurt. Par sa mort elle est enfin libérée. »
Black Swan (2010), Darren Aronofsky

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« We all know the story. Virginal girl, pure and sweet… trapped in the body of a swan. She desires freedom but only true love can break the spell. Her wish is nearly granted in the form of a prince. But before he can declare his love… her lustful twin, the black swan tricks and seduces him. Devastated the white swan leaps off a cliff killing herself and in death finds freedom. »
Black Swan (2010), Darren Aronofsky

Black Swan, 2023

version censurée*
Cadre de miroir, tirage sur papier, résine époxy, rouge à lèvres
52 cm x 88 cm
/ texte

I see sex as a social experience rather than a real pleasure. Pleasure, if there is any, takes a back seat. What drives me is deciphering these enigmas that these guys are, dissecting the moments with them;
the 'hookups'. I'm ecstatic about the guilty desire they have for me. I love seeing and analysing their approach, the way they talk to me.
What is it that makes these guys attracted and excited by femininity other than that of cis girls?
I watch them talk - if they talk at all - and from their swag, personalities, characters, demands, social ambitions, etc, I understand that they are the product of a toxic heteronormative society. Nevertheless, I still wonder: why do they secretly deviate from the social codes of heterosexual masculinity? So-called hegemonic masculinity.
It interests me. I ask them: what triggered it? Often disturbed - since I'm getting to the heart of the matter - they tell me that they got bored of a certain type of heterosexual porn, and then one day they clicked on a miniature advertisement with a chick with a dick "that appears in the top right-hand corner of the screen".

Their shame makes them uncomfortable because they're not used to being around people like me. They are sometimes in the unknown, experimenting, or extending a fantasy. They finally experience what they see on screen when they're alone in their rooms. I become the POV of their erection. This image that has become a physical body, which was only virtual before the encounter, arouses excitement through the screens, which create and heat up desire; thanks to the nudes that can sometimes excite more than the intercourse. There's a kind of power in having someone naked on your smartphone, a kind of two-bit domination that stirs the emotions. There's a kind of control over sexual memory, visible on the screen on repeat, which is in a way physical even if immaterial: is this what drives people to make content on platforms like Onlyfans, Mym, etc?
Yes, money is the main attraction. But archiving your best hookups in scrolls, which you can replay in streaming mode while offering the content in exchange for money, can be a tempting fantasy.
But I still can't understand why the screen can sometimes be more exciting than the real thing. And that all of a sudden, we get excited in real life because of what we see on screen. It's like a snake biting its own tail. Damn!

Once, late at night, during sex, a guy was filming me. I could feel his cock harden as he watched the scene he was experiencing through the iPhone. I wondered if he was making a direct link with the POV category in porn, if this live image gave him a sense of control. A bit like playing a video game. This filmed moment, immortalised, then became a little hotter; like, he was living out his old fantasy of being a pornstar, and I was kinda becoming Kim Kardashian, lmfao.
It's as if I'm hovering, feeling like I'm just an image, pixels, a video on several screens, in the hands of several guys, to whom I have to be faithful irl. The screens confront me with my sexuality, with my kinky side, which is created via and thanks to images (porn, Grindr, Snapchat, Onlyfans, etc). We swap bodies and make dates.
Often, I feel like the weapon they use to commit a crime, leaving it behind them, hidden where no one will find it. I analyse and try to understand with every guy who's different but whose secret is the same: Why do these guys choose me knowing that I'm the source of their fear? Why do they treat me like I'm a forbidden thing?

The paradox is that even though I don't like to define myself (that would be limiting oneself), I'll always say that I'm a fag. I've fought this insult, I've struggled against and with this term that has always stuck with me even before I knew its definition. I don't want to let it go, it's my experience, my story, my life. I draw my inspiration and strength from it.
But, surprisingly, I'm realising that some of those headless torsos on Grindr don't see me as such, and the image I have of myself (and my sexual and gender identity) can be distorted or inverted from reality. It's as if my reflection reflects something else.
Is this perception really wrong? For me? For them? I reassure myself that I'm a fag + + or just a big fucking queen, whatever. I was born this way. Sometimes I feel like there's this social pressure on me... like I have to know what to say to people who ask me about my pronouns. I feel like I'm being marginalised every time that happens, even though I know it's well-intentioned.

One night, a guy invited me to his place to give him a blow job. He was smoking his joint and telling me all about his life, which I didn't give a fuck about. He was telling me about a fight he'd had with another guy and he was quoting himself (what he'd shouted at the guy): "I'm not a fag, I'm not a big fag, do you hear me? I was shocked lol. Then I smiled, but I just wanted to laugh, so I tried to keep my poker face on. I was about to give him a blow job, and he comes up with this? Wow.
It's true that I haven't fucked many gay guys in my life, from what I hear they're not interested in me... it used to happen to me, when I looked like a twink.
This same guy said to me, a bit embarrassed, or too stoned "(...) because I don't see you as a guy". I had the impression that time had stopped at that moment, I didn't listen to anything else afterwards, zero concentration.
I felt light, welcomed by him, at ease. After those words, I felt admiration for him, even though he was the same guy who said something like: "Nowadays, there are non-binary people, queers, whatever (...) people definitely could identify themselves as chairs lmfao".

Another, the one I see the most, always contacts me with the same message: "U free today miss? I don't know why this 'miss' has the same effect on me as when a lover sends you a good night text message with lots of emojis lol, but in this case it's just a guy trying to fuck me.
Like, Toxic!

In fact, they're a bit like my fallen princes. They just want to fuck, nothing more. So I've got two choices: refuse and wait for someone who's never going to come, or be the little slut they want me to be. Becoming the slut has been the only solution I've found for getting intimate with guys, getting 'affection' from them, and feeling wanted and loved thanks to a hypersexual, erotic image put forward on apps that makes them feel at ease, so that they can send me their cocks before their heads, when they write me 'Hi' and I reply 'Pics?'. We exchange nudes through apps, which attracts them to my nest where they never land. It's always the same dance, I already know the steps, I anticipate them. I know in advance that they don't give a fuck about me. The desires of these guys looking for femininity on Grindr, with blank, faceless profiles, have perverted me just as much as porn has perverted us.

Black Swan, 2023

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